August 16th 2011

Woke up with a snatch of a dream.

If you want to remember your dreams,­­­­ tell yourself before you go to sleep at night. And when you awake in the morning don’t - I SAY DON’T - move your head or the dream will pour out and spill into dark matter.

So I lay in my bed with the image caught in those last moments of the dream, and then gradually more and more came back... not all, I’m sure, but I did get an insight into my life...

So ya wanna hear it?

I was in some play being made into a movie - I was a young guy, maybe 30 or so... there was an old woman and a middle aged man.

I said to the director "You could have spent more than 15 minutes in Queens to find the right actor (I was referring to the middle aged, balding, plump man who seemed inadequate for the part.) We were going to sleep on bunk beds - and we were watching a video of a elderly women who had a terrible problem with her mouth since birth. She reveals such pathos, such deep sensitivity, she is so moving, I realize we MUST have her in the movie instead of the actress we have now.

We travel out to her home. The boy actor (who’s not me any longer) has the same malady. The mouth is shaped like a flower but you can not speak with it. He shows the woman he has the same condition. In the dream we realize that this will make everything alright. That the love and understanding between the boy and the woman is immediate. And suddenly that affliction becomes something wondrous like the blooming of of a hundred flowers in a delicious garden.

I now become Helen and have to find a room to sleep in. I go to my room, but my father Sidney has put a young girl there leaving light on for her. (she’s scared to sleep in the dark). But I can not sleep with the light on. I realize I can go and sleep in Arthur’s room (this is my cousin Arthur- it turns out he is the young actor in the movie and now he looks chubbier thatn he did as a youth) there is an extra bed in his room. I am delighted to be sharing the room with him.

While pondering this dream, I see the vulnerability of both Arthur and the woman is very touching. The inadequate man looks like my father in his middle age. And now I think of my current boyfriend who wears his vulnerability proudly. Unlike my father who tried to hide it beneath bravado. I see that vulnerably reveals such sweetness in men... and suddenly I now feel a deeper closeness and understanding of my father. And see my current boyfriend is like my father in that aspect and my heart opens to both of them..

My father, Sidney Kritzler, on his wedding day